This topic is very much on my mind because it would seem like there are more straying spouses out there than there are sands on the beach.
Let's admit it, by the time you reach my age (let's not go there shall we?), you would have had either a first hand encounter, or a first listener encounter with this subject matter.
From friends and acquintances, I know of 4 seemingfly solid marriages (with > than 30 years of bliss) which have gone poof.
Then there are > than 10 cases of SSs whose marriages I know of (ranging from 6 to 20 years), where the couple is still together but I would not be surprised if half will go under.
The real problem with affairs is someone always gets hurt.
And even when the wounds are gone, the scars remain.
So with the support of all the "wronged" partners, I am posing here some serious questions I want to pose to all straying spouses ("SS") out there.
To all you SS, and SS wannabes plse take note.
These questions and the thoughts attached to them will serve you well one day when you are "confounded" (confused when found out)
Burning Question #1
You have such a "good" friend - so how come she/he is a secret?
SSs are gonna say
"I cannot even mention I have a good friend of the opposite (same) sex because my partner is the suspicious type & he/she is very jealous".
Valid answer but...you gotta ask yourself why your partner is suspicious of your behaviour in the 1st place.
And how come you have NO problem inviting all your other good friends over but this time, this particular good friend, you can't/don't even mention their name at the dinner table?
Burning Question #2.
"Aiyah..why you go deny angry angry aggro aggro like dat?"
ATTACK IS THE BEST FORM OF DEFENCE. Wah!! Which military academy did you graduate from ah?
While it is true, in most cases, there is "no" proof you did the deed, but please respect your partner's intelligence, and forget all the denying.
Somehow or other, suaysuay, your partner ALWAYS "knows".
And really, what gets me is this
Don't tell me you picked a mentally challenged person ON purpose to be your partner, and to father/mother your kids?
If you really did, what does that say about YOU? Either you are a bleeding heart or bleeding mentally challenged yourself!
So please ah?
Respect your partner's intelligence and don't think that by going on the aggressive to deny, deny, deny that they would somehow believe yr BS.
Burning Question #3
"Why try to justify your screwing around by saying nice things about the other party?"
Sometimes SSs' brains are so fried (or screwed) they think by justifying their infidelity with inane statements their actions are totally justified(?)
"She/he is a good friend"
what? you surely ain't gonna screw yr enemy or say that GF is a hooker, right?
What you are saying is "I did not pay this person to have sex with me, ergo she/he is good, clean and decent"
"She/he is a good person"
No darling, I f**ked a horrible evil person?
"She/he has so many problems"
achah! And you are not adding to it are you? Or you are just penalizing your partner for NOT having problems?
And ofcourse the award winning justification "She/he came on to me"
THAT justification I truly get.
Same goes for me. Put it on record here plse.
I surely won't say no if Brad Pitt were to dance naked in front of me, plus kiss me passionately, and pull me into bed.
Is this what happened?
Ofcourse the ONLY justification SSs can truly give is this:
"Our relationship is stale. I want excitement, I want my ego fed, I want endless sex without commitment and I am not sure this affair will last because if it does, THEN I will/may be forced, to do something about my life. For now, I don't want to leave my family or the comforts of my home & castle"
What SSs don't realize is this.
When you are an SS, you are already a skunk, a coward and a liar.
No use hiding or pretendng. And don't let the kids hear you. You are not teaching them any values in life.
That would be how you will be viewed, by your partner and eventually by your kids (when they are old enough and are one day in a committed relationship themselves)
And the truth is: Nobody needs to be an SS.
We should be brave enough to acknowledge that the current relationship does not work and no longer gives us what we want.
Life is too short to live a lie, and make lies out of other people's lives.
Surprisingly, I would think there are far less recriminations & bitterness from an amicable parting - no matter how frightening or how painful the consequences are, (not to mention the financial settlements).
And finally to all my emotionally battered friends and partners of SSs out there..please STOP blaming yourself and thinking you brought this on yourself.
You did not. If you can not live without an SS, and the SS truly, deeply and genuinely wants to reform, then the only thing is BOTH of you MUST work on your relationship.
Now my next piece will be on the "other party" because I know many who are in this unfortunate situation too!